Fucking upset, frustrated and let down. Hate talking to people now. Hate looking at people. Hate interacting with people. _|_

50-50. What are the chances you'll survive? You taught me strength and I hope you have some left for yourself.

To turn 18. To explore the unknown. To do the unthinkable.

If only I can be more like them. Hating NJC ttm.

FUCKING PISSED.

Will it hurt to acknowledge a simple message with a 'yes' or 'no'? I really hate NJC people. _|_ Trying to act all cool when you're stuck in this pathetic excuse for a SCHOOL. Disgusting. Fucking fucking bad week _|_

Sick of Life

I hate looking at facebook newsfeeds now. It's sickening how everyone has such a life while I'm stuck in this bloody boring home, rotting my life away, wasting so much fucking time. It sucks looking at everyone going overseas when the last time I sat on a fucking plane was...11? I don't know it was a fucking long time ago. And oh yeah, it's the only time I've been on it. It sucks seeing everyone going on student exchange trips to what vietnam, cambodia, going on family trips to HK, USA every country in this fucking world. It sucks looking at people having wonderful Xmas parties while the only shit that I got for a family Xmas party caused mucus to clog up my entire windpipe, rendering me sick and pathetic. And why? Cause my aunt thought it'd be great fun to arrange the fruits while coughing all over it. WHEN SHE JUST CAME BACK FROM FUCKING CHINA. How intelligent. Spent the entire Xmas day sprawled over the sofa watching Sherlock Holmes and listening to my cousin whining about her 'sprained' ankle. It sucks looking at others have nice presents, posting pictures of extravagant and fun xmas parties. Going to their friends' parties, having a ball of a time. I sound like a spoilt and jealous bitch but it's sucks to the core. It sucks looking at everyone being so perfect. Being so fun, so interesting, so eventful when I'm stuck here doing FUCKING NOTHING. I hate my fucking life. It sucks looking at perfect people, looking at how beautiful, how tall, how perfect everyone is. And yeah, NEARLY EVERYONE in facebook is so fucking perfect. Just for once in my life, I want to be known for being more than...idk what I am. I am nothing. If not for the fact my name stirs a tinsy winsy bit of interest, I'd probably camouflage in the surrounding pool of people, fat, disgusting, ugly, short, and have some disgusting Chinese name nobody gives a flying fuck for. I hate looking in the mirror, I hate taking pictures now, I awfully hate being myself. I have nothing that makes me interesting. NOTHING. No experiences to share, no looks to appeal to people, completely flat and BORING. I hate listening to myself talk. I hate listening to what I think. I dont even understand why people bother listening to me sometimes. I sound like some fucking jealous bitch but for ONCE in my life, I want to feel the thrill of stepping into the unknown, doing something exhilarating, be interesting, stand tall, be complimented for something other than being 'hardworking', wear something completely outrageous, do daring stuff. I just don't, absolutely don't want and hate to be me.

Missing 2010.

Missing secondary school life. The times when I took less than 20 minutes to reach home, and when I had enough time for myself. I feel my life sapping away and how I rebel to keep that flame albeit a small one, alive in me. I used to be able to sneak to IMM and buy OAMS with mag, walk around in bukit batok just because I wanted to eat Mr Bean. Now I don't even have time to do any of that.

I miss the blunt people in Nan Hua. NJC students are so...pure. No, pure's not the word, it's more of act up. They'd be all like "Oh, don't say fuck. I don't like hearing it" (Heck they don't even say fuck, they refer to fuck as 'that vulgar word') Just a slip of the tongue and they'd burn holes through you with their judging eyes. I'm sick of the 'cherubic' faces of the pretentious pricks there. Acting all adult-like, as if they are qualified to judge others. Thing is they're not. Sure thing, they act all nice and concerned but I ain't dumb. It's all fake. It's so disheartening. The more educated someone gets, the more rotten his attitude becomes. I can feel that pride seeping from that egoistic bastard. The 'care' he gives to others is merely pity because he thinks he's above everyone else.

Truth is, I entered NJC with the same score as everyone else. Thus, I have just as much right to be in NJC as you do. It doesn't mean that because I talk a little rougher and a tad more blunt than others, I am scum. Don't preach to me about refinement because I don't give a fuckin' shit about acting refined. I've lived my whole life with motherfuckers preaching to me about acting refined that I'm truly fuckin' sick. Don't look down at everyone with that disgusting eyes of yours because you're wearing the NJC uniform that's meant to signify the working population, the commonfolks.

When I hear boys talking about mutilating themselves, I ain't impressed. Neither do I feel pity. I feel disgusted and sad. I weep for the future of our defence because we're building a pansy army. Something so small such as being at the receiving end of a prank could make them break down and...cry. I laugh at how incredulous the situation is. It's so freaking pathetic. And here they are pretending they are al'mighty. HAH, what jokers.

Sometimes when I look at the so called 'refined' people, I feel a tad' bit scared. I swear because I express my extreme emotions through swearing. When I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm annoyed, these words help me release my inner fury. Ironically, they keep me sane. I use them not because I want to 'act tough' or 'act rough' but I use them because I feel as if they have so much power. But the so called 'refined', what can they do? They won't even let themselves scream. They won't even let themselves cry. It's as if they're an empty shell. True, they are highly qualified, true they are rich. But they lack human emotions. All because they want to act 'refined'.

It's pathetic. We don't even communicate with one another anymore. Now humans are taking it to a whole new level - refusing to communicate with their own heart and minds.